Harper in training

Hey it's shelle again, using this underused platform, which is still the best platform for expressing myself.

It's been a really really difficult past few months.

I've expressed it in silence.

With the amount of times I've tried to reply on facebook to something and then just...decided to backspace and scroll on, I could have written a novel by now.

Last November, I hit a crisis with my therapist. I hadn't been progressing, and she suggested that I might do better with another therapist. It was probably the wrong thing to say to me and I tried to make things better but in the end I decided to take a break for three months.

I never called to reschedule and now my mental health is horrifying. I'm trying to find another therapist but am having a difficult time. My house and my brain right now are in the same state: a mess. Each thing feeds off each other and makes each thing worse; each accomplishment has an accompanying backslide making things additionally bad.

My husband is being wonderful and supporting me. I'm trying to find a therapist for my son as well as trying to get disability for him. I'm trying to also access two insurance policies my dad took out in my name without telling me about them, apparently when I bought our house (thanks Dad, for being thoughtful but I wish you'd had a will). We are in slightly dire financial straights as well. I need a side gig but there's no way I can do that without better mental health and mental space to take care of things.
And I haven't written a word in months and months. Or created anything.

On the everyday, I can deal with things, I can go to work and do what I need to do. Anything else is pretty hard to do.

There are good things: My son is in college and doing very well. He's 20 now! My husband and I started a podcast: 
This is a podcast about the dangers of the Evangelical mindset, told from an ex-evangelical perspective. The link is to the YouTube channel where we put that version of the podcast but you can find us on iTunes and google podcasts as well as the Unbound Podcast website. We release new episodes on Sunday nights.

I want to end on a high note: this is the most I've written in a very long time. But I'm going to try to be here more. I need a place to talk that isn't facebook. <3

[img: notebook and pen on wooden desktop with "GYWO 2019" printed in large white letters with a black shadow. under that, "writing decathlon" in handwritten white letters with a black shadow.] GetYourWordsOut: Year Eleven! Pledges & Requirements | GYWO.net I didn't do so well last year but I will do better this year!

I will try to be around more often. Let me tell you about a thing what just happened a few weeks ago: Liam was inducted into the National Honor Society! We're currently making arrangements for him to get a job for the summer and looking at things for him to start college soon after senior year. As for me, I have started belly dancing, and I'm involved with a dance troupe that does many different styles of dancing. It's hard but I'm enjoying it! I want to be here more often, so hopefully I can work it so that I can post at least weekly.

It's been a while since you've seen Liam, if you've been following me for a while. He had a semi-formal dance to go to tonight, and he was so handsome in his shirt and tie so I had to share. Also, all clothes are my husband's; somehow I have a kid who can wear his dad's clothes. Weird.


He's 5'6'' or 5'7'', and he's making honors in school. He's a great kiddo. :)

It's not really a major yay, but I did speak with the Hubster on the issue I had discussed in my last post, and I have decided to continue with my classes. ( Read more... )

Hello all! Just here to update y'all on my life. :)

I don't often go on DreamWidth, I never did get the hang of it, but since I'm crossposting to LJ it'll be easier to keep with things, hopefully.

-Liam is now 15 years old. He is five feet, six inches tall, which means he pretty much TOWERS over me. ...he has to shave now. It's weird.

-I have gone onto maintenance with my weight loss plan. I went from a size 22 to a size 8-10 and I'm pretty satisfied with it.

-that said, loose skin is kind of disheartening.

-I'm still working at the same Senior Services agency that I've been working at for the past 7 or so years and I still like it, even though it can be a little dull.

-I am currently in classes to gain my 2nd Degree in Wicca. The classes are really good and helpful to me personally, as it does cover some lack in my education as a human being.

-It's been a long dry season in the case of writing but I'm starting to get my creativity on again. Right now I'm working on a couple of fics, one for Homestuck and one for Hunger Games. It's coming steadily. the thought of leaving those two in progress forever is not an option.

How is everyone doing these days? I'm usually over at Tumblr but I'm trying to get away from that, as Tumblr really...requires no deep thought from me. It's all reblogging. Kind of boring but also hard to tear yourself away from.

What are you guys up to?

I have been losing boatloads of weight!

As has hubby.

We went for hypnotherapy for weight loss, and we have been eating meat and veggies. He's been on for 7 months and he has lost about...twelve inches around his waist, no lie.

I have been on for 4 months and I have lost about five inches so far.

We're not allowed to weigh ourselves so no idea about pounds.

We have a whole new way of thinking about food and we are both much healthier. I've already gotten off of one of my diabetes meds.

I will, at some point, post pics of both of us. Because it's pretty darn incredible! :D

I haven't posted here for a god-awful long time, have I? Geeez.

So...updatey things, I guess.

1. Liam is in 8th grade, he is 14 years old and he is now taller than me by 3 inches at least. How did that happen? I dunno!

2. I am still in therapy, which is actually a really good thing. It's been helping me sooo much.

3. Still Pagan. 1st Degree Wiccan now. Still happy with it.

4. Family shit...is still actually kind of shitty! at least on my side. on hubster's side? Doing really well, so there's that. My brother isn't really talking to me. We sometimes nudge each other on facebook. But that's about it.

5. Personally, for me, life has never been better. I'm happy and generally stable, I've started coming out of a years-long stint of anxiety. Family life for US is very happy and peaceful. Liam is enjoying my husbands and my spiritual journey and seems to really connect with the ritual.

This weekend, I got a really disturbing memory scratched to the surface and I'm really sort of weirded out about it: I wrote this on my tumblr today:

( I can't wait for Therapy )

But anyway, that's about it. Life is weird but decent. Feeling more like Me than I ever have. :D

So shit happened on Sunday that I really don’t want to discuss. I wasn’t involved except that my husband and brother were involved and pretty much…said some horrible things and hubby is pretty upset, and I’m pretty upset.

It brought some issues to the front that we usually don’t deal with, and the upshot of all of this is that we’re each going to start therapy in the next couple of weeks. I still have to call—I’m scared. But I’m more scared not to do it. I’ve known that I need to do this for a long time, several years, but I’ve been fighting it because My Family is From New England and We Ignore Shit till it’s too late. We are Stoic New Englanders (insert stereotype here). I have trouble asking for help and hate to admit weakness.

I’m tired of fighting my need for this. I’m tired of trying to do it on my own. I thought I had this conquered but nope. Going to try and unravel the crapola that has run through my life is going to be difficult…I hope it’ll be worth it.

I've lost so much contact with my internet friends. And I need them so sorely right now.

Nothing is going right. I just. I wish that I could just have a break from all the fucking drama.

My husband is fighting with my niece. Now my brother is fighting with my husband. On facebook. About the stupidest shit imaginable. On the anniversary of my MOTHER'S DEATH.

I feel like my family is taking sides. Against my family.

There's so much hurt here that I do not even know where to begin.

I'm so fucking tired of it all. I wish I could just talk to someone who isn't emotionally involved. Unload all of it.

I can't even begin to talk about how much pain I'm in and there's nothing for me to do about any of it. It has nothing to do with ME.

It's just everyone around me and I feel like curling up into a tiny ball and just shutting out the world.

EDIT: Things seem to be calmer but I'm still upset. I'm going to have to gather my thoughts and write more coherently about things. And I think I might need to see a counselor. Shit is getting too difficult for me to handle without some one to bounce things off of that isn't emotionally involved with my life. I'm sort of overwhelmed and it's not good.