Jan. 18th, 2020 09:27 pm
Hi, remember me?
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tree_talkingHey it's shelle again, using this underused platform, which is still the best platform for expressing myself.
It's been a really really difficult past few months.
I've expressed it in silence.
With the amount of times I've tried to reply on facebook to something and then just...decided to backspace and scroll on, I could have written a novel by now.
Last November, I hit a crisis with my therapist. I hadn't been progressing, and she suggested that I might do better with another therapist. It was probably the wrong thing to say to me and I tried to make things better but in the end I decided to take a break for three months.
I never called to reschedule and now my mental health is horrifying. I'm trying to find another therapist but am having a difficult time. My house and my brain right now are in the same state: a mess. Each thing feeds off each other and makes each thing worse; each accomplishment has an accompanying backslide making things additionally bad.
My husband is being wonderful and supporting me. I'm trying to find a therapist for my son as well as trying to get disability for him. I'm trying to also access two insurance policies my dad took out in my name without telling me about them, apparently when I bought our house (thanks Dad, for being thoughtful but I wish you'd had a will). We are in slightly dire financial straights as well. I need a side gig but there's no way I can do that without better mental health and mental space to take care of things.
And I haven't written a word in months and months. Or created anything.
On the everyday, I can deal with things, I can go to work and do what I need to do. Anything else is pretty hard to do.
There are good things: My son is in college and doing very well. He's 20 now! My husband and I started a podcast:
This is a podcast about the dangers of the Evangelical mindset, told from an ex-evangelical perspective. The link is to the YouTube channel where we put that version of the podcast but you can find us on iTunes and google podcasts as well as the Unbound Podcast website. We release new episodes on Sunday nights.
I want to end on a high note: this is the most I've written in a very long time. But I'm going to try to be here more. I need a place to talk that isn't facebook. <3
It's been a really really difficult past few months.
I've expressed it in silence.
With the amount of times I've tried to reply on facebook to something and then just...decided to backspace and scroll on, I could have written a novel by now.
Last November, I hit a crisis with my therapist. I hadn't been progressing, and she suggested that I might do better with another therapist. It was probably the wrong thing to say to me and I tried to make things better but in the end I decided to take a break for three months.
I never called to reschedule and now my mental health is horrifying. I'm trying to find another therapist but am having a difficult time. My house and my brain right now are in the same state: a mess. Each thing feeds off each other and makes each thing worse; each accomplishment has an accompanying backslide making things additionally bad.
My husband is being wonderful and supporting me. I'm trying to find a therapist for my son as well as trying to get disability for him. I'm trying to also access two insurance policies my dad took out in my name without telling me about them, apparently when I bought our house (thanks Dad, for being thoughtful but I wish you'd had a will). We are in slightly dire financial straights as well. I need a side gig but there's no way I can do that without better mental health and mental space to take care of things.
And I haven't written a word in months and months. Or created anything.
On the everyday, I can deal with things, I can go to work and do what I need to do. Anything else is pretty hard to do.
There are good things: My son is in college and doing very well. He's 20 now! My husband and I started a podcast:
This is a podcast about the dangers of the Evangelical mindset, told from an ex-evangelical perspective. The link is to the YouTube channel where we put that version of the podcast but you can find us on iTunes and google podcasts as well as the Unbound Podcast website. We release new episodes on Sunday nights.
I want to end on a high note: this is the most I've written in a very long time. But I'm going to try to be here more. I need a place to talk that isn't facebook. <3
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I was thinking just today that LJ/DW used to be my safe space for sharing. Facebook definitely isn't it. Twitter ABSOLUTELY isn't it, and Instagram is just ridiculous. I looked at my old LJ yesterday (decided I finally needed to suck it up, log on, and turn off notifications from over there) and while I don't miss LJ, I do miss the type of community I was part of there.
Take good care of yourself, friend. ♥
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